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Is it time to move to a new city?

Don't move yet; you want escape from relationships, not a new city.

You cannot name anything you want in a new city beyond distance from people you no longer want in your life. You are asking relocation to do the boundary-setting so you can avoid feeling responsible for ending those ties.

  1. Do you actually want these relationships to continue?

    I don’t want them, but I feel guilty letting them end.

  2. Apart from getting away from these people, what about a new city do you want?

    I can’t tell what I want from the city separately from the escape.

Anonymous11 RoundsHome

The whole Grilling

Is it time to move to a new city?

  1. Round 1

    “Time” suggests you’re waiting for permission from somewhere.

    What makes moving to a new city feel like the question now?

    • I want what a particular city could give me.
    • I want distance from what my current city has become.their answer
    • Something has changed, and staying feels different now.
    • I’m hoping a move will make me feel like I’ve changed.

  2. Round 2

    “Distance” is clear; what you want distance from isn’t.

    What about what your current city has become do you most want distance from?

    • The people and relationships tied to it.their answer
    • The routines and life I’ve built there.
    • The memories attached to the place.
    • The way I feel about myself when I’m there.

  3. Round 3

    You want distance from people, not simply a different skyline.

    Are you hoping a move will end those relationships without you having to end them directly?

    • Yes, leaving would make the decision for me.
    • No, I want to leave even if those relationships continue.
    • I want distance, but I haven’t decided what that means for them.
    • I mainly want to stop being reachable to them.their answer

  4. Round 4

    “Stop being reachable” is more specific than wanting a new city.

    What feels worst about staying reachable to these people?

    • They can keep pulling me back into relationships I want distance from.
    • I feel obligated to answer, even when I don’t want to.their answer
    • I don’t want to face their reaction if I set a boundary.
    • I want them to notice I’m gone.

  5. Round 5

    The city is being asked to solve an obligation you haven’t named.

    What makes you feel obligated to answer these people?

    • I owe them because of what they’ve done for me.
    • I’m afraid they’ll judge me if I don’t answer.
    • I’m responsible for keeping these relationships from falling apart.their answer
    • I’ve never treated not answering as a real option.

  6. Round 6

    You want to become unreachable while keeping the relationships intact.

    When you feel responsible for keeping these relationships from falling apart, do you actually want them to continue?

    • Yes, I want these relationships, just with less access to me.
    • I don’t want them, but I feel guilty letting them end.their answer
    • I’m unsure whether I want them or only fear losing them.
    • I want them to continue because they depend on me.

  7. Round 7

    You don’t want these relationships; guilt is the remaining tie.

    What does ending these relationships make you feel guilty for?

    • Hurting people who still care about me.
    • Abandoning people who rely on me.their answer
    • Choosing my own distance over their expectations.
    • Being the person who ends relationships they want to keep.

  8. Round 8

    You call it abandonment, though you’ve said you don’t want these relationships.

    What makes ending these relationships feel like abandoning people who rely on you?

    • Their well-being depends on my staying available.
    • They rely on me, and I think that makes me responsible for them.their answer
    • I’m afraid they’ll suffer, even if I can’t prevent it.
    • Calling it abandonment makes my guilt sound more justified.

  9. Round 9

    You treat their reliance as a claim on you.

    If moving made you harder to reach but didn’t change their reliance on you, would you still want to move?

    • Yes; I want distance even if they still rely on me.
    • No; I want the move to make me less responsible for them.
    • I’m not sure; I want distance, but not the guilt that follows.their answer
    • I’d still want to move, but I’d feel I was abandoning them.

  10. Round 10

    You want distance without guilt, but haven’t said whether you want the city.

    If you could get distance from these people without moving, would you still want a new city?

    • Yes, I want a different city for its own sake.
    • No, the move is mainly a way to get distance from them.
    • I’m unsure; I haven’t separated the city from the escape.their answer
    • I’d want a new city, but distance from them is the main reason.

  11. Round 11

    You still haven’t named anything about the new city that draws you.

    Apart from getting away from these people, what about a new city do you want?

    • A particular place has things I genuinely want in my life.
    • I want the fresh start, even without a specific place in mind.
    • Nothing specific; leaving them is the appeal.
    • I can’t tell what I want from the city separately from the escape.their answer

Shared Understanding

Don't move yet; you have not named anything you want in a new city beyond distance from people whose relationships you no longer want. You are asking a move to spare you the guilt of setting boundaries or ending those relationships.

The Question

Is it time to move to a new city?

What you actually want

You want distance from people whose relationships you no longer want, without feeling responsible for their reliance on you.

What you decided

  • You want distance from what your current city has become.
  • The distance you want is from people and relationships tied to it.
  • You mainly want to stop being reachable to them.
  • You feel obligated to answer even when you do not want to.
  • You feel responsible for keeping these relationships from falling apart.
  • You do not want the relationships to continue, but you feel guilty letting them end.
  • You feel guilty because you see ending them as abandoning people who rely on you.
  • You believe their reliance makes you responsible for them.
  • You are unsure whether you would still move if the people’s reliance remained unchanged.
  • You are unsure whether you would still want a new city if you could get distance without moving.
  • You cannot identify what you want from a new city separately from the escape.

What you're assuming

  • You assume that because these people rely on you, you are responsible for them.
  • You assume that moving would make you less reachable and reduce the pressure to respond.
  • You assume that getting away would ease the guilt of ending or changing these relationships.

What you're avoiding

  • You have not named a particular city or anything you want from it apart from escape.
  • You have not said what boundary you want with these people, or whether you have tried setting one.
  • You have not clarified what these people rely on you for or what would happen if you were less available.

Next step

In the next three days, choose one person you feel obligated to answer and send them a clear message stating when you will and will not be available.

All Home grillings

  1. Should I move back in with my parents to save money?

    No, you should not move back in because the financial relief will not fix the feeling of failure driving this decision.

    1. What are you actually trying to avoid by moving back in?

      Mostly I just want to stop feeling like I'm failing at being an adult.

    2. If you stop stressing about rent but still haven't hit those milestones, will that feeling go away?

      It would help for a while, but I know I'd probably just start worrying about something else.

    Anonymous10 RoundsHome

  3. Is It Really About the Loud Music?

    1. If they were polite and turned it down, would you feel better?

      Part of me wants them to fight back

    2. When was the last real disagreement where both sides got heard?

      I can't remember